Rumbling Once More

There is no doubt that my current status is LOST. I have begun to see no purpose in my current job. Everything that I do in school or for the school seemed meaningless. What is the point of teaching 7 classes of students who can’t be bothered to learn? What is the purpose of setting targets and meeting them when in the end, it’s just chasing after the wind? Why should I provide them with activities and programs, helping them (& the school) attain awards when the students don’t see the pride in them? What really matters in life is not the subjects that we are teaching, it’s the lives the students are living and there’s nothing we can do to change them.

What matters to me is the growth & development of my children, that they will grow strong and healthy, wise and kind, and that they will grow to love God and His people. Yet the world has turned to such a stage that our families are no longer important. All the world cares is value-addedness towards our jobs, economy and profit. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25, ESV) It doesn’t help that I am serving the last third of my 3-year bond, serving a study loan of $20K. I am so tied down, so helpless, unable to move on to what I like to do. How can I find meaning in a society which worships vanity? Where do I find a place to serve without cares of worldly needs and wants? What can I do to like what I dislike? When will I ever finish the race & receive a pat on my back and a voice saying to me “well done, my good and faithful servant”?

Another Rumbling

I am beginning to feel restless. I feel as if I am not being challenged to think. The things that I must do for my work are so routine & mundane. They take a lot of time, though most do not require much thinking. Even if I were supposed to think, I must think about things approved by my bosses to make them look good but not beneficial for neither me nor my clients (a.k.a. students). Even the students are not motivated to doing well for themselves; I can’t help but feeling the strong reluctance to do anything for them.

When I was younger, I just want to play. I refused to study, thinking that I am the smartest. Yeah right. Now that I am working, I want to study and play. I don’t want to work. Yet I do not have that option, just because I am not rich. I do not have enough cash to maintain my expenditure for two years. I have to work in order to bring home some bread and butter, and no other work gives me the salary that I want without increase my workload. In any case, whichever job I go to, they will still require me to work for the minimum amount of salary.

Meaningless! All is meaningless! What does a man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? All the work I see my bosses and colleagues do, they are, to me, absolutely meaningless.

31 days later...

& 1 week into work, it's not easy to handle... in fact, i haven't been doing much this week since work started. my mother & wife have been taking care of my little girl... sometimes, i wonder if my daughter will know who i am if this continues. i'll certainly look into how to be involved in her life, to guide & love her (& hopefully be the 1st person she'll call when she falls). there's also a lot of security issues that i have to settle (nothing to do with Mr Mas, or Mr Ang who went to Vietnam & back w/o a valid passport), not that i have settled it all, but at least not as lost as i was the last few days.

certainly, it's exciting being a father, longing to carry her everyday. but the fear of not being a good father lingers, & i know i need to rely on God for His guidance in good fatherhood. many times, with the little time i have left, i would rather spend it stoning or sleeping. Lord break into my life, help me believe, in faith i receive Your breakthru for me...

of postnatal blues

i m so lonely... oh so lonely... just like a flower, i'm growing wild... nobody wants me, i m nobody's child... cellophane, Mr cellophane, shoulda been my name, Mr cellophane, they could look right thru me, walk right by me, & NEVER know i'm there...

Of Many Sleepless Nights... Ahead

i do suffer sleepless nights in this 1 week Esther is home, but din really have to take care of her. my mother & wife would be there... sometimes i wonder if i m useless. on the other hand, i m more handy in picking up stuff and running errands here & there, transporting them to & from clinics & hospitals. so to each his/her own gifts...

there r so much to learn, so much to do when a child comes. & i wonder how many parents could simply get pregnant & give birth w/o thinking of the troubles they'll have to face taking care of the child. & i m amazed at how many parents can simply bochup in caring, guiding, teaching & disciplining the child. worse, many fathers thot that they only have to sit & command respect from his family w/o doing anything for them, some even to the extend of not working. during Grace's stay at the hospital, we have observed at least 2 husbands who simply do nothing, & failed to observe that their wives may be falling into a state of depression due to the lack of emotional support... pray i be vigilant & not fall into this category...

A Father's Joy, A Husband's Fear

was a traumatizing experience in the delivery suite yesterday when Esther was born. the strong front i had to put up before my wife & daughter was nothing but a termite-infested century-old tree: looks sturdy on the outside, rotten & crumbling on the inside... encouraging my wife to push the baby out was fine, tho tiring. to see my daughter safe & sound was tremendous joy, but fear gripped me to see the serious face of the doctor & the faint look of my wife when she was bleeding excessively was horrifying. thoughts of losing her flashed through my mind. how was i to bring up my daughter w/o her? how can i face my daughter w/o being reminded that my wife died giving birth to her, especially when esther looks so much like grace?

thanks be to God who hears our cry for mercy & strength. now both mother & daughter are fine & will be discharged soon...

Just Do It... Courtesy of Nike

whoever thought of this tagline must have been a very "upstairs" person. if u dun understand wat "upstairs" mean, i would recommend the movie "Just Follow Law" by Jack Neo.

back to the tagline & the "upstairs" person. a colleague just gave me the second half to this statement: don't ask. how profound the complete slogan sounds, "just do it, don't ask"... well, is this wat our "upstairs" want of us? yet, it is such an oxymoron when initiatives are implemented. hear some of these: when i was serving my NS about 10 years ago, MINDEF wanted "THINKING soldiers", yet we were often told to follow orders, no matter how stupid it may be; in the days of PM Goh, MOE talked about "THINKING schools, learning nations", my bosses & their beloved subordinates simply loved to introduce creative programmes and activities without THINKING of the true welfare of the staff and students, yet when thinking staff raised the issue, we r usually very quickly sssshh-ed out... very "THINKING" indeed...

So much events, activities & procedures have become obsolete over the years, yet these "upstairs", probably due to security issues, or more correctly, their personal psychological security issues, prefer to keep these outdated stuff in the system. worse, they THINK of new reasons to keep the old stuff in the system. seriously, i m really fed up with mindless activities that the brainless "upstairs" come up with.

when will "upstairs" ever learn, or better, THINK? i must applaud ST for their effort to check for the efficiency of our nation's "upstairs" agencies when they picked up the phone to call 10 agencies. the results showed only 1 of 10 agencies actually meet the mark. then again, will the "upstairs" of our nation ever read the newspapers? even if they do, will they actually respond according to the "downstairs" needs? or will they make use of this opportunity to THINK of new initiatives and projects to push themselves even more "upstairs"? oh, 1 agency ST missed was MOM. MOM is not very helpful in their phone calls, neither is their website really helpful. i had tons of problem when i wanted to transfer my FDW's working address etc. the phone operators (or preferably referred to as customer service officers) just follow law, must get this account, c.c. to my boss, wait for 7 working days, come back again to see if application is approved. if not approved, u can appeal to my boss, submit this, c.c. to my boss, wait for 7 working days, come back again to see if application is approved... & the cycle continues. when will the "upstairs" ever THINK for their "downstairs"?

well, i guess, the only appropriate response our nation's "upstairs" want from us is: yes, MOM...

Even Easter Misunderstood *sob sob*

Even Easter is a season i always look forward to, God always has a pleasant surprise for me. This year, i was really anticipating its arrival. Yet, tho a pleasant event happened, a painful event took place at the same time. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. The painful event cut me deep, real deep. 8 years of hurt & anguish resurfaced all within 3 hours. Tears and mucus flow till they can flow no more. it hurts. It really does.

The difference was that i could cry my heart out on my 6th Christian birthday while i was very bitter and angry at God 8 years ago. The difference was that i could eventually say "the LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD" while the words that came from my mouth 8 years ago was "i renounce You, God!"

It is not easy to hold on to Jer 29:11 & Job 1:21. But it is true that healing can only occur if i choose to believe in these verses & others that the LORD reminded me. Not that it doesn't hurt anymore, but it brings to a closure what should be closed 8 years ago. Tho i was no longer angry abt that event, i had never faced the grieving side of it until yesterday. At least i can be more functional after the sorrow. I m still looking for the day that He turns my sorrow into dancing, in 2 months time.

Happy 6th Birthday to me, Galvs & family (May God continue to the healing process in Aunt Alice)

A New Name

the coming of child is seriously not just a bundle of joy... it's also abt responsibility, longsuffering and humility... i never know how useless i m until the coming of my child. i m always lacking perseverance in mastering anything... and my heart aches each time i see my wife vomit due to morning sickness, hospitalized & having to have tubes and needles going thru her arms... my child taught me to pray & wait... he taught me to the importance of perseverance... for his sake and His sake, i have to persevere to master my trade and other skills.

Lord Jesus, help... ... ...

5 things i dun understand about young people.....

1. Why do young people keep changing their blog skin without adding much contents into their blogs?

2. Why do young people write blogs when their blogs only contain their daily activities without their actual thots?

3. Why do young people even wanna keep blogs when they dun want the whole world to see their true selves?

4. Why do young people love to keep all their emotions, hurts, thoughts to themselves, thinking that their world is coming to an end when there are people out there (i.e. myself) who are willing to help them?

5. Why do young people find 'O' Level soooooooooooooo stressful when the working world is ten time, hundred times more stressful than that?