A Father's Thoughts

Rumbling Once More

2009-02-03T12:28:00.000+08:00

There is no doubt that my current status is LOST. I have begun to see no purpose in my current job. Everything that I do in school or for the school seemed meaningless. What is the point of teaching 7 classes of students who can’t be bothered to learn? What is the purpose of setting targets and meeting them when in the end, it’s just chasing after the wind? Why should I provide them with activities and programs, helping them (& the school) attain awards when the students don’t see the pride in them? What really matters in life is not the subjects that we are teaching, it’s the lives the students are living and there’s nothing we can do to change them.

What matters to me is the growth & development of my children, that they will grow strong and healthy, wise and kind, and that they will grow to love God and His people. Yet the world has turned to such a stage that our families are no longer important. All the world cares is value-addedness towards our jobs, economy and profit. “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?” (Luke 9:25, ESV) It doesn’t help that I am serving the last third of my 3-year bond, serving a study loan of $20K. I am so tied down, so helpless, unable to move on to what I like to do. How can I find meaning in a society which worships vanity? Where do I find a place to serve without cares of worldly needs and wants? What can I do to like what I dislike? When will I ever finish the race & receive a pat on my back and a voice saying to me “well done, my good and faithful servant”?

Another Rumbling

2008-09-26T12:37:00.001+08:00

I am beginning to feel restless. I feel as if I am not being challenged to think. The things that I must do for my work are so routine & mundane. They take a lot of time, though most do not require much thinking. Even if I were supposed to think, I must think about things approved by my bosses to make them look good but not beneficial for neither me nor my clients (a.k.a. students). Even the students are not motivated to doing well for themselves; I can’t help but feeling the strong reluctance to do anything for them.

When I was younger, I just want to play. I refused to study, thinking that I am the smartest. Yeah right. Now that I am working, I want to study and play. I don’t want to work. Yet I do not have that option, just because I am not rich. I do not have enough cash to maintain my expenditure for two years. I have to work in order to bring home some bread and butter, and no other work gives me the salary that I want without increase my workload. In any case, whichever job I go to, they will still require me to work for the minimum amount of salary.

Meaningless! All is meaningless! What does a man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? All the work I see my bosses and colleagues do, they are, to me, absolutely meaningless.

31 days later...

2008-06-26T13:31:00.001+08:00

& 1 week into work, it's not easy to handle... in fact, i haven't been doing much this week since work started. my mother & wife have been taking care of my little girl... sometimes, i wonder if my daughter will know who i am if this continues. i'll certainly look into how to be involved in her life, to guide & love her (& hopefully be the 1st person she'll call when she falls). there's also a lot of security issues that i have to settle (nothing to do with Mr Mas, or Mr Ang who went to Vietnam & back w/o a valid passport), not that i have settled it all, but at least not as lost as i was the last few days.

certainly, it's exciting being a father, longing to carry her everyday. but the fear of not being a good father lingers, & i know i need to rely on God for His guidance in good fatherhood. many times, with the little time i have left, i would rather spend it stoning or sleeping. Lord break into my life, help me believe, in faith i receive Your breakthru for me...

of postnatal blues

2008-06-06T14:09:00.003+08:00

i m so lonely... oh so lonely... just like a flower, i'm growing wild... nobody wants me, i m nobody's child... cellophane, Mr cellophane, shoulda been my name, Mr cellophane, they could look right thru me, walk right by me, & NEVER know i'm there...

Of Many Sleepless Nights... Ahead

2008-06-05T11:07:00.002+08:00

i do suffer sleepless nights in this 1 week Esther is home, but din really have to take care of her. my mother & wife would be there... sometimes i wonder if i m useless. on the other hand, i m more handy in picking up stuff and running errands here & there, transporting them to & from clinics & hospitals. so to each his/her own gifts...

there r so much to learn, so much to do when a child comes. & i wonder how many parents could simply get pregnant & give birth w/o thinking of the troubles they'll have to face taking care of the child. & i m amazed at how many parents can simply bochup in caring, guiding, teaching & disciplining the child. worse, many fathers thot that they only have to sit & command respect from his family w/o doing anything for them, some even to the extend of not working. during Grace's stay at the hospital, we have observed at least 2 husbands who simply do nothing, & failed to observe that their wives may be falling into a state of depression due to the lack of emotional support... pray i be vigilant & not fall into this category...

A Father's Joy, A Husband's Fear

2008-05-28T08:15:00.007+08:00

was a traumatizing experience in the delivery suite yesterday when Esther was born. the strong front i had to put up before my wife & daughter was nothing but a termite-infested century-old tree: looks sturdy on the outside, rotten & crumbling on the inside... encouraging my wife to push the baby out was fine, tho tiring. to see my daughter safe & sound was tremendous joy, but fear gripped me to see the serious face of the doctor & the faint look of my wife when she was bleeding excessively was horrifying. thoughts of losing her flashed through my mind. how was i to bring up my daughter w/o her? how can i face my daughter w/o being reminded that my wife died giving birth to her, especially when esther looks so much like grace?

thanks be to God who hears our cry for mercy & strength. now both mother & daughter are fine & will be discharged soon...

Just Do It... Courtesy of Nike

2008-05-20T08:37:00.003+08:00

whoever thought of this tagline must have been a very "upstairs" person. if u dun understand wat "upstairs" mean, i would recommend the movie "Just Follow Law" by Jack Neo.

back to the tagline & the "upstairs" person. a colleague just gave me the second half to this statement: don't ask. how profound the complete slogan sounds, "just do it, don't ask"... well, is this wat our "upstairs" want of us? yet, it is such an oxymoron when initiatives are implemented. hear some of these: when i was serving my NS about 10 years ago, MINDEF wanted "THINKING soldiers", yet we were often told to follow orders, no matter how stupid it may be; in the days of PM Goh, MOE talked about "THINKING schools, learning nations", my bosses & their beloved subordinates simply loved to introduce creative programmes and activities without THINKING of the true welfare of the staff and students, yet when thinking staff raised the issue, we r usually very quickly sssshh-ed out... very "THINKING" indeed...

So much events, activities & procedures have become obsolete over the years, yet these "upstairs", probably due to security issues, or more correctly, their personal psychological security issues, prefer to keep these outdated stuff in the system. worse, they THINK of new reasons to keep the old stuff in the system. seriously, i m really fed up with mindless activities that the brainless "upstairs" come up with.

when will "upstairs" ever learn, or better, THINK? i must applaud ST for their effort to check for the efficiency of our nation's "upstairs" agencies when they picked up the phone to call 10 agencies. the results showed only 1 of 10 agencies actually meet the mark. then again, will the "upstairs" of our nation ever read the newspapers? even if they do, will they actually respond according to the "downstairs" needs? or will they make use of this opportunity to THINK of new initiatives and projects to push themselves even more "upstairs"? oh, 1 agency ST missed was MOM. MOM is not very helpful in their phone calls, neither is their website really helpful. i had tons of problem when i wanted to transfer my FDW's working address etc. the phone operators (or preferably referred to as customer service officers) just follow law, must get this account, c.c. to my boss, wait for 7 working days, come back again to see if application is approved. if not approved, u can appeal to my boss, submit this, c.c. to my boss, wait for 7 working days, come back again to see if application is approved... & the cycle continues. when will the "upstairs" ever THINK for their "downstairs"?

well, i guess, the only appropriate response our nation's "upstairs" want from us is: yes, MOM...

Even Easter Misunderstood sob sob

2008-04-01T07:25:00.004+08:00

Even Easter is a season i always look forward to, God always has a pleasant surprise for me. This year, i was really anticipating its arrival. Yet, tho a pleasant event happened, a painful event took place at the same time. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. The painful event cut me deep, real deep. 8 years of hurt & anguish resurfaced all within 3 hours. Tears and mucus flow till they can flow no more. it hurts. It really does.

The difference was that i could cry my heart out on my 6th Christian birthday while i was very bitter and angry at God 8 years ago. The difference was that i could eventually say "the LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away, blessed be the name of the LORD" while the words that came from my mouth 8 years ago was "i renounce You, God!"

It is not easy to hold on to Jer 29:11 & Job 1:21. But it is true that healing can only occur if i choose to believe in these verses & others that the LORD reminded me. Not that it doesn't hurt anymore, but it brings to a closure what should be closed 8 years ago. Tho i was no longer angry abt that event, i had never faced the grieving side of it until yesterday. At least i can be more functional after the sorrow. I m still looking for the day that He turns my sorrow into dancing, in 2 months time.

Happy 6th Birthday to me, Galvs & family (May God continue to the healing process in Aunt Alice)

A New Name

2007-12-05T13:23:00.000+08:00

the coming of child is seriously not just a bundle of joy... it's also abt responsibility, longsuffering and humility... i never know how useless i m until the coming of my child. i m always lacking perseverance in mastering anything... and my heart aches each time i see my wife vomit due to morning sickness, hospitalized & having to have tubes and needles going thru her arms... my child taught me to pray & wait... he taught me to the importance of perseverance... for his sake and His sake, i have to persevere to master my trade and other skills.

Lord Jesus, help... ... ...

5 things i dun understand about young people.....

2007-10-01T13:45:00.000+08:00

1. Why do young people keep changing their blog skin without adding much contents into their blogs?

2. Why do young people write blogs when their blogs only contain their daily activities without their actual thots?

3. Why do young people even wanna keep blogs when they dun want the whole world to see their true selves?

4. Why do young people love to keep all their emotions, hurts, thoughts to themselves, thinking that their world is coming to an end when there are people out there (i.e. myself) who are willing to help them?

5. Why do young people find 'O' Level soooooooooooooo stressful when the working world is ten time, hundred times more stressful than that?

DIS-

2007-05-15T08:29:00.000+08:00

appointed, orientated, tress, turbed, connected, illusioned...

DE-

2007-05-15T08:26:00.000+08:00

pressed, lusion, moralized, feated, capitated...

B-R-E-A-K please...

2007-04-27T07:12:00.000+08:00

whenwillmybreakcome?workneverends.evenpersonalstuffneverends.sotired,wantarest, lookingforwardtomyhoneymoonwhenicanfinallyleavethisplaceforashortperiodoftimetorecharge. gottago,muststartworkagain...

stress blogging

2007-04-16T09:25:00.000+08:00

stress blogging has been a good therapy for me at the end of march, for the past 2 weeks, it's been manageable... now stress is coming back cos must edit exam papers & still not done yet... sometimes, it is just therapeutic to blabber out whatever that's in the mind because somehow, it'll help clear the mind to do the stuff that i m required to do... of cos, there r times i read other blogs & the owners do blogging therapy, but the language used was so foul that i can even smell it thru the monitor of my comp... that shouldn't be the way, well, perhaps it really shows the extend of foulness in one's life, which leads to the point the these bloggers need cleansing in their lives...

& i have got just the right detergent to do that, only if they r willing to use... this detergent is red in colour, yet white as snow, have a strong smell of iron and you'll never run out supply cos the moment you ask for a trial sample, you'll get a lifetime supply of it FOC... often, people who tried this detergent will never want to use another brand, cos they can testify that this detergent is the REAL thing, not like other imitations which claimed the same cleansing power... it can be used to clean the stubbornest of stains, including tar deposits in a smoker's lungs or stacks of old, yellow, dog-earred porn magazines which is chucked in the storeroom of our brain... it can also remove the slightest odour of hostility, greed and pride...

and the brand of this detergent after all this intro: the Blood of Jesus. try it, you'll love it... to ask for a sample, please leave a comment at this entry.

How to make sense of "2Cor 12:9"?

2007-03-28T07:00:00.000+08:00

i m not writing my thots abt this; i m asking a genuine question... i m v tired & weak, totally inadequate. looking forward to June 2007, but there are many hurdles before it & i have to learn to jump over it, even when i m seriously tired. i know i have to depend on God, but how i do i trust? 'trust' does not equate to 'know'... God, i want to trust, i want to stop grumbling, i want to be stronger, physically & mentally, i want to love, people whom i like , people whom i don't like, people whom i respect, people whom i don't. empower me... overflow in my heart, the Holy Spirit... feeling like a bottomless pit, my strength & my heart, still falling, falling, falling...empower me with the power of resurrection, that i may be a new man...

2007-03-27T16:46:00.000+08:00

nothing seems to turn out right today. seriously downcasted...

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.
(Psalms 42:5-6a)

Be.Still.Blabbering

2007-03-23T09:16:00.000+08:00

be still... i know i have to... but i m still blabbering... still trying to reconcile the many things i have to complete competently and being a greenhorn... still can't find a solution... still ringing in my head Mr Heah's famous quote: "experience comes from bad judgement, bad judgement come from inexperience." still stressed over work... still trying to finish setting my papers... still dunno how to set... still worried abt wedding preps and my new family's situation... still learning to trust God & the people He put into my life to help with all these situations... still grateful to God for being around & speaking loud & clear... still blabbering... hahaha... can't find much things to use the word "still"...

...still random...

still.steel.steal.stale... i guess these r all the words i can think of that sound close to "still"... in this last lap of 71 days, i really need a body and a nerve of steel to pull through... so many needs & tasks at hand... the best is stainless steel though it can still be corroded... need to learn how to steal time to read God's words and to rest... and in the midst of busyness, if i dun recharge myself in the Lord, i will really turn stale... still blabbering, still lousily lame...

Blabbering. Randomly

2007-03-22T09:33:00.000+08:00

just feel like blabbering... nothing in particlar... guess this is what happens when i m stressed... work & wedding preps r stressing me out... thank God for Grace & 3sa... Grace: for being my hands when i thot of something; 3sa: for looking after the details & taking care of generally the whole planning process in the midst of your own busyness...

i had tons of papers to set, have yet to complete... it doesn't really help when i have mild ADHD & dyslexia (not medically diagnosed tho)...

seriously, i really feel like typing something, as if there's lotsa things to say, yet my mind is just blank... wanna do work, but brain simply not functioning, like having a mental blog... i meant, block... i know, it's a lousy pun, but can't help... my thots r simply flying everywhere in my head & i m like a small boy, trying to catch these flying thots like floating butterflies with my bare hands...

...

see, mind block again, just dunno what to say or blabber... oh by the way, did i spell "blabbering" correct? it seems a bit offsomewhere, but can't pinpoint... myb it should have 2 'r's as in "blabberring", but this spelling looks even weirder... now having a bit of problem spelling the word "weird".. typing it as "wierd", "weild" & "wield"... sometimes, i really wonder how i managed to be who i m today with so many un-diagonsed problems... i can only say it's be God's mercy & grace (no pun intended) that i m doing reasonably well, that it's Him who gave me sufficient abilities to counter my disabilities... noticed the bold word above? it's a proof theat i can't spell... i almost wrote "a proof" as "a prove" & "approve"... just to highlight my weakness & His mercy, i bolded (if there is such a word) the spelling error above...

thanx for reading my random blabbering/blabberring... glad that i just had a blog diarrhea (correct spelling? i never remember how to spell this word too, just in case i spell wrongly, i shall say it in hokkien. at least there's no correct or incorrect romanized hokkien: "lau sai") now i can get back to work...

Light of the World . Shine

2007-02-03T07:52:00.000+08:00

a new catch phrase which i thought of yest:
"Dun try to outshine yourself; just shine."

i dunno if it's catchy to anyone out there, but to me, it meant a lot.

it's barely alive...

2007-01-23T08:14:00.000+08:00

ya, this blog is barely alive... as can see from the date, it's been 7-8 months since i last wrote something... this has turned into my own internet menu...

just a brief update, dun think anyone will read anyway... i m now teaching chemistry & maths at Broadrick Sec, tiring cos have to wake up at 5am every morning... tons of things to learn... getting married in abt 4 months' time, last CNY receiving angpows... challenging year, magnificient God...

do you want to know more? msn, sms, call me...

2006-05-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

Forgive me Father...

I need to know You more...

I want to love You more...

Even Easters... (a) Home At Last...

2006-04-18T14:46:00.000+08:00

Even Easters are significant. i m not saying Easter is some sort of second grade event or holiday or something. of cos Easter is important!!! it commemorates the resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ who lived & died for all mankind & rose again on the third day, having overcame sin & death so that ALL who believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

"even" as in "odd vs even". 2002 is an "even" year, so is 2004 & 2006. here are my even Easters:

Easter 2002: i was baptized, so are Galv & his family (may God continue to be gracious to them as He always has been...).

Easter 2004: i got attached to Grace whom i'll be marrying June 2007 (too bad, both are teachers, else we would've planned to get married on Easter).

Easter 2006: by God's grace & mercy, we bought our matrimonial flat at a price which only God can cause the seller to agree.

Easter 2008: i m not trying to play God, just look at the trend, He's likely to give me something significant as well, & Grace joked tt God may make us parents then... well, i would rather let God be God, KelTan be His sheep...

i want to boast!!! not of MY own wisdom in choosing a flat or how I m able to get the flat so fast, but i want to boast of God's love & grace for us. we have planned our wedding to be in June 2007, & we hope to stay near Grace's parents cos of their old age & it'll be easier for me to be posted to a school based on our new address compared to Grace transferring out of her current school. since she has just started teaching last year, we think it wun be good if she transfers out because of marriage too early in her career. & our pre-marriage counselling only starts in Aug, if we wait till we meet our counsellor then purchase the flat, MOE will post me to a school near my current which will make school transfer difficult for both of us. so we decided to talk to Ps KK & sought his advice. he was ok with us getting our flat early because of our situation, so we went ahead to look for a flat.

that was on 2nd april. actually we had already saw the advert for this flat that we are buying 1-2 weeks before, & i was so tempted to call the agent. Grace immediately reminded me of my desire to wait on God & take action only after we have consulted Ps KK. we waited. so when the go-ahead was given, we called the agent, made the appointment & went down to visit the place. gosh, it was amazing... the place was up to our expectation, & it was within walking distance from Grace's parents' place. the only thing was tt it was the 1st flat we saw & we were apprehensive abt buying the 1st flat we saw.

so we got the agent to help us look for more units in the area. that was only 1 other flat which we din like, so tt means we only have 1 flat to consider. the seller wanted to sell at $20K above valued price & on discussion with Grace, we could only offer $10K above. so we just place the offer by faith, commiting to the Lord. now here comes the interesting part...

for 3-4 Sat that we look into the papers for adverts, we only saw this flat for sale; the others are not at the location we want. last Sat, we looked at the papers, the advert was gone!!! this only means 1 thing. the seller has agreed to an offer. was it mine, or was it other buyer's? i was a bit restless, so i gave the agent a call. guess what?! he asked if we could make it for an appointment on Mon (which was yesterday) to meet the seller for negotiation!!! of cos we agreed.

we were restless the whole of yesterday, grace's mum came with us, we were 30 mins early & we were panicky when the agent seemed to be 15mins late. well, he was actually earlier than us & was with the seller negotiating the price for us. when he finally helped us made an agreement, the price of the flat was $9K above value, meaning it was actually $1K below what we offered!!! Praise God!!! how could it be unless God has intervened... we were really thankful to God, cos it was really amazingly fast & smooth. i will not go into the details of the contract between us & the seller, of cos we are agreeable to the contract & it's a win-win contract. all i can say is, God gave us more than we asked for, for a price lower than that we are prepared to pay.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of the understanding of it... (2nd Edition) [Commitment]

2006-03-14T12:36:00.000+08:00

Commitment is not a easy word to spell in a relationship. It takes two persons to get it right. When I first wrote about commitment, I did wonder if I was too new in a relationship to really know what commitment is all about. However, as I reviewed my past articles, I realized that I had not change much in terms of my beliefs in being committed in our relationships. The only difference I have, I suppose, is that I have grown in understanding of the word commitment in a more practical aspects & I have seen and been through times when my commitment to my relationship with Grace have been tested.

I have always believed that BGR is NOT just a term, or a plaything. Neither is it some trial period for 2 persons to get together "to see if we are suitable for each other" or “because we love each other”. I have always believed that God has the intention to put 2 right persons together at the right time for the prospects of a marriage, & that God doesn’t put 2 persons together for the fun of it & break them up after He had fun with them. Many times, it is us who do not seek God or godly counsel before we take a step into a relationship, only to find out after that that the person we are dating is not really the person God has meant for us, or that the timing is not right thus causing the relationship not to work out the way we hope it to be. We often fail to realize that when 2 persons get together in a BGR, it is already a commitment to each other, saying that "I'll grow to be the person you want to marry." We have to have the future, the hope in our minds when we consider getting into a relationship, else both parties will get hurt eventually...

many people hold this idea, that commitment starts only when the 2 of you have been together for some time & thinking of marriage. The rationale is that unless the 2 of you said the wedding vows in the presence of a minister, your partner may not eventually be your spouse, & hence we can’t put in all our hearts to the relationship. But my understanding is that, if we can’t even be committed to serve our partners wholeheartedly in this 1 relationship for the few years before, what makes us think that we can be committed to our spouses for the rest of our lives? As Christians, I would choose to believe that all Christians will not two-time our partners. Isn’t this commitment to our partners already? Why then do I still need to discuss about commitment?

In theory, all Christians know that we are not to commit adultery, and in outward practice, we will not two-time our partners as well. However, by Jesus’ definition of adultery (“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28), how many of us can truly claim that he/she has never committed adultery before? One way to look at commitment is to know that we are sinful people & the only thing we can do is to confess and repent, and constantly remind ourselves of our partners.

The other way to look at commitment is to see the spiritual development and the biblical aspects. BGR is the 1st step towards marriage. Since marriage is sacred, BGR is therefore just as important, as it leads the B & G together on this R towards marriage. In a marriage, the husband’s role is to love his wife, “just as Christ loved the church & gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, & present her to himself as a radiant church, w/o stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy & blameless.” (Eph 5:25-27) The wife is to submit to her husband “as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, the body, of which He is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Eph 5:22-24) it is mammoth-task for anyone to truly fulfill these roles of a husband/wife as instructed by God thru Apostle Paul.

Therefore BGR is the stage through which the B & G get together & learn to fulfill these roles to each other, so that when they are finally married, they can be the husband & wife God has called them to be. How would a couple learn to become husband & wife if they are not committed to help each other grow in the Lord before they are married? Hence, commitment is not just about staying faithful to only 1 partner, but also to commit yourselves to bring each other up to the knowledge of the Lord.

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of the understanding of it... (2nd Edition) [Preface]

2006-03-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

just less than 2 years ago when i wrote about the coveted word L-O-V-E, i was only 6 mths into the relationship. today, i am engaged to my then-girlfriend Grace and have begun the preparation for our wedding (tentatively on 2/6/07). at the invitation of damien, both grace & i will be ministering to some Sci VCFer on 24/3/06 on a related topic: BGR.

in the light of the bible study engagement, my fiancee asked me to write a whole new post to supplement my previous articles. i thought that i would rather edit my articles to give it a more updated point of view. not that there is any drastic changes to my previous viewpoints, but as i had grew in the last 1.5 years, my views may change slightly, & may have gained a better understanding of the two key points that i had highlighted previously: Commitment & Perseverance.

very sadly, my workload in NIE is reasonably high & i can only hope to post the 2nd edition of "L-O-V-E, more like the lack of the understanding of it..." by next Sunday. do stay tune for it. in the meantime, do read my posts on 26/11/04. pray that you will be blessed through my posts...

Bet Your Life...

2006-02-21T19:40:00.000+08:00

was watching a program of this title by National Council of Problem Gambling (or something like that) when i had a further understanding of Jesus' 1st coming.

in the program, former gambling addicts came up to share about their past & wat they r doing now. they had a very big gambling addiction & when they realized their wrong, changed & turned to helping fellow addicts kick the habit. wat really struck me was that they had to be in the same situation in order to understand fully how it is being a gambling addict. only then can they effectively relate to the addicts & help them. if they had not been in there, they r in no position to help because they don't understand what's so addictive about gambling.

in the same light, our Lord Jesus came to be one of us miserable humans, so that He can fully relate to us. i m NOT saying that He can't relate to us if He had not come, but we will be DAMN stupid (pardon my language, but i really stress this point) that we will not listen to Him & be saved from sin. having said that, what more can we ask for, now that we have a God who came to be like us so that we will let Him bring us back to Him?

in application, we being in whichever position, organization, roles etc, we are the pple who can fully relate to those who are in the same position as us. we have sinned & now cleansed, who else is in the better position to share the Good News to those around us? VCFers who do read this blog, do remember that there are still 7 days in the Outreach Focus Month, make use of every opportunity. even when the OFM is over, we must not slack in reaching out to those who are still trying to find the Life...

While it still works...

2006-02-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

my keyboard is giving me problems... wat to do, it's old. well, not just my keyboard, it's the whole laptop. it's losing memory, many keys are having attitude problems such that i can't get them to work when i need them to... sigh... after 4 years, my lappie is finally going to retire... time to get a new PC...but the Dell site is having problems, can't order my desktop now... sigh... need to work, but can't really work...MK, think i'll need to borrow your CD a bit longer to download onto my new comp when it comes...this entry is hurriedly typed while my lappie still has the ability to support me...

of yesterday:
had a good time talking yesterday. spent abt 6hrs back at my alma mater, talking to my former teachers. all were kinda "shocked" that i m going into teaching. most of them gave me valuable advices which i believe will help me 1 day when i enter the classroom proper...

met galv for our quarterly "ketchup" session. it was really good to know how the Lord has worked in his life & in mine. i m always amazed how we managed to talk for extended time each time... last night's duration: FOUR FULL HOURS!!! from 7pm to 11pm... i nvr understand how we can always talk for so long, given that we are both not the talkative type... but i m just grateful to the Lord for a brother like him whom i can share without having to hide things, or having to refrain from saying anything so that i will not hurt/stumble him.

"life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it" (taken from Life is a Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating)
but do you have your safety harness on? is Christ your safety harness, or will you be flying out of your rollercoaster? this is something we concluded with just before we parted. each time we met, we could be sure the Lord was with us, cos there's always something we could take away. looking forward to the next "ketchup" session in June, bro...

of 2 weeks ago:
having been urged by my brothers to update my blog, rather, to update abt my life on my blog, i shall do so now. initially i wanted wait till next week, but i guess i dun wanna wait till my lappie dies & procrastinate again, so here goes...

quite a few pple have by now know that i m now engaged. i m thankful of how God arranged everything, His timing is perfect so long as i obey & keep by His guidelines. i have had the urge to propose to Grace last year around her birthday, but i know God wouldn't have it tt way. the prompting i had received was to wait till 2006, not 2005. so by faith i waited. lo & behold, as i waited on Him, the chance came for me when Grace's dad asked me to join them for relative visitations. i perceived that this was his way of accepting me into his family, so on 18th Jan '06, i went over to Grace's place while she's still at work to ask her dad for his permission & blessings to marry Grace. he gave his approval & on that day, i proposed to her. & the rest is history...

really wanna thank God for His guidance thru-out the whole process of pursuing her, courtship & now engagement. knowing the fact that He loves us, i can be certained that He will bless our marriage so that we may in turn bless others.

thanx to the many who walked with us thru-out the whole journey: Raymond Yuen, my 1st mentor; Royston Lee, our "matchmaker"; Galv, my dear bro... these 3 affirmed within the same week that i shld tell Grace how i felt abt her before we started our r/ship; Paul Goh & Hwee Ling, my current mentor & his wife, who supported me spiritually thru this r/ship; Galv (again) & MK, who walked with me & ministering me as brothers & were the 1st to put their names to my wedding-helper list. & not to forget VCF, the place where we 1st met, & the VCFers who all played a part in our lives in 1 way or another.

thank you all...

p.s. i still require help to prep for our wedding. those interested, pls drop me a comment. thanx... :D

It's Been a Long Time... HoHoHo...

2005-12-26T10:09:00.000+08:00

updates: just graduated... din do as well as expected, but who cares, i m not aiming for any honours or merit, so that's that... will collect my transcript tomorrow & submit to MOE... a brand new day, another day, another brand new day for me to live Your way...

Tagged: MK tagged me long time ago.. i procrastinated (yes, again...) to put on my blog...
the idea is tt i gotta post 5 weird/random things abt myself & tag 5 other pple, so here goes:

1. i suffer from needle-phobia, just like MK. had 3 bad experiences with needle when i had to go for blood tests. had the fear ever since. pledge to donate watever useful part of my body after death, but while i m alive, dun even think of getting to donate my blood... unless of cos they have a new needle-less, harmless of drawing blood...

2. i m longing to go into NIE, while all my teacher-friends say i m crazy...

3. i always look out for the newest car licence plates & long to give those cars a mean long scratch... (of cos i don't do tt, & i can't, cos i only spot those cars on the road...)

4. i have been a "relationship counsellor" since JC, which is 6-7 years before i have (am still having) my 1st relationship at the end of my 2nd year in NUS.

5. i always barely scrape thru all my exams to move on to the next stage of my life (to God be the glory)

becky, damien, grace li, weili, 3sa, u guys are tagged.

Sometimes I Wish...

2005-11-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish i can cry... at least i have an avenue to let out my frustration, but i can't. sometimes i wish i have a place where i can shout my lungs out w/o the fear of disturbing other pple, but there isn't. sometimes i wish... sometimes i wish... sometimes i wish i was nvr born... sometimes i wish i can go home to Daddy right now... sometimes i wish...

Finally Stressed... just a bit...

2005-11-01T11:02:00.000+08:00

yes... finally i feel a bit stressed. next thurs will b the deadline for 2 of my assignments which i m only halfway thru... next wed 2 tests which i MUST study 1 of them... plus FT 4... finally start to get overwhelmed... ironically, i m into my final 2 days of lessons... after which all lectures & seminars are "vocation training" in NIE... not exactly studying wat...

wonder if it's a joy to start to have a bit of stressed only with 10 days of the sem left, or it's sad to even have to stress in my final sem... well... in the words of Gary Chen, i m into my last stage of "transfiguration" into a full-fledged dinosaur... Jurassic Park, here i come...

Answering MK...

2005-10-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

since MK requested that i do this survey, i shall attempt it here...

1. What are your favourite hymns?
Be Thou My Vision

2. Writers that have greatly influenced your spiritual journey?
i guess at this point of my life, it's Henry Blackaby, i usually can't remind the writers' name...

3. Clean or shaven?
dun understand, guess i m quite clean..

4. MacD or KFC?
can i choose BK? their breakfast is the BEST...

5. One famous person who shares the same birthday as you?
not i know, but Japan surrendered exactly 37 years b4 i was born..

6. Greatest mystery of the universe?
chicken or egg?

7. Attached?
still am.

8. Tell me who should do this quiz?
i dun really know...

Hallelujah!!! He's my Jehovah Jireh...

2005-10-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

upon reaching my letterbox this evening, i had this strange peace within that i may get my reply from MOE. true enough, when i opened the letterbox, an MOE envelope was there addressed to me... quite thick... was thinking in tt case quite likely i m in.

Mr Tan K, I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected for the appointment to the Education service as a General Education Officer (Untrained) on a 1 to 1.5 year contract...

that was more than enough for me... my future secured, my finances provided, more of God's work to be involved in... Thank You Father...

thank you all who've prayed for me. indeed He has provided. continue to pray for me that i'll see where God is working in this field & get myself involved in His work.

very excited.. can't sleep... plus Man U is playing against Lille in 1.5 hrs time, so might as well dun sleep till i watch the match..

Just Being Bored...

2005-10-18T13:37:00.000+08:00

here's some more stuff from minzhi's blog...

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.

At Your Lowest:

You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.

In Love:

You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.

How You're Attractive:

You are very affectionate and inspire trust.

Your Eternal Question:

"Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Deer

Animal You Were in a Past Life: Panda

You are a fun-seeker - an adventurous, risk-taker.

While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational.

The Animal Personality Test

Your Birthdate: August 15

With a birthday on the 15th of any month, you are apt to have really strong attachments to home, family and domestic scene.
The 1 and 5 equaling 6, provide the sort of energy that makes you an excellent parent or teacher.
You are very responsible and capable.

This is an attractive and an attracting influence.
You like harmony in your environment and strive to maintain it.
You tend to learn by observation rather than study and research.

You may like to cook, but you probably don't follow recipes.
This number shows artistic leanings and would certainly support an talents that may be otherwise in your makeup.
You're a very generous and giving person, but perhaps a bit stubborn in ways.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

You Should Learn Swedish

Fantastisk! You're laid back about learning a language - and about life in general.
Peaceful, beautiful Sweden is ideal for you... And you won't even have to speak perfect Swedish to get around!

What Language Should You Learn?

Say Cheese..

2005-10-12T08:29:00.000+08:00

just something i got from beckyboo's blog:

Cheese Test: What type of cheese are you?

Saya Penat...

2005-10-12T08:14:00.000+08:00

i really dunno why i m so tired these few days.. physically, mentally, spiritually. thankfully not emotionally, but surely my emotions are affected.. tho i kept my QT, nothing seems to come out of it this week so far.. very bad.. guess i really need a retreat, some time alone with God. can't exactly remember when was the last time i put aside a prolong period of time for God.. even my QT was quite rushed..

was reading thru some of my older blog entries yest when i came across this particular which i wrote abt Sabbath. perhaps that was God's way of reminding me to have my Sabbath, undivided time with Him. tho the focus then was on our physical body, guess our mental & spiritual health are very much tied to Sabbath. i have been teaching the bible, talking to people, studying, preparing & conducting FT, all these done in the last few weeks. these are good things to do, but mentally & spiritually taxing. & of cos i had done all these without taking a break to seek God & rest in Him.

Quoting from Experiencing God by Henry T. Blackaby & Claude V. King (my QT material), it says, "Planning is a tool God may cause you to use, but it never can become a substitute for God. Your relationship with God is far more important ti Him than any planning (or doing) you will ever do. Our biggest problem with planning (or doing) is that we plan and carry out things in our own wisdom that only God has a right to determine. We cannot know the when, or how of God's will until He tells us." (brackets mine, bold mine)

that was my problem for the last few weeks, hence accumulated to a very tired me today. guess what. the passage i quoted, it's part of my QT material for today. surely God works in wonderful ways to remind His children of Himself, cos when i started writing this entry, i couldn't remember a thing from my QT earlier.

indeed God is good, may He sustain me till end of the week where i can really spend extended time with Him...

Procrastinated.Excuses.Plenty

2005-09-27T16:39:00.000+08:00

yes yes, i've procrastinated in writing my blog. gave many excuses not to write, some lame, some logical, but they are still excuses...

was trying to push until probably next week to write, but decided that i shall just write something. so here you go: SOMETHING.

lame. i know. thot of writing in the form that damien wrote, in point form (now i've given you credit for it.. :p) but i m more used to writing in text format.

the month of sept was interesting for me. very fruitful.

1. by faith, i applied for teaching & relief teaching with MOE. it's been my consideration to join the teaching profession since my participation with youth at Fei Yue FSC. but because of my results i had decided to procrastinate (yes, procrastinate again, hence the title of this entry) my application till after getting my results in Dec. reason being i m afraid that they will not give me an interview 'cos of my poor results. can't remember how God told me that i have not trust Him, but that was the message. so by faith i applied. not only that, i realized the reason why i had such odd timetable (if you still dunno, my lessons starts after 4pm everyday except tues which starts at 10am). the Lord gave such timetable so that i can use the time to do relief teaching. some people may say i m over-spiritualizing things, non-Christians will say that i simply know how to make use of my time. but i know it's God who make things the way it is. everything was so precised that no human could have done that.
within 1 week of application for relief teaching, i got an assignment from Kranji Sec. have been on ad-hoc assignments for quite a few days now. quite good experience. hope can get more assignments. at least my bank account has a bit of support.
last Friday, i went for an interview with MOE. got the letter the week before. was so happy abt it & thanking God for the chance. not only thankful for the chance, the interview itself was a blessing. it was smooth-going. they started by asking what Materials Science is & how it can relate to teaching. then with my sharing of my experience in Kranji & Fei Yue, the interviewers asked me mainly questions pertaining to my experience which i could answer with ease. statistically speaking, with such smooth-going interview, i shld be able to make it to NIE. however, it is still God who make the final decision & i wanna focus my mind unto Him such that if He thinks that i shldn't go into teaching even after the interview, i wun be bitter but i'll trust Him for providence & direction. of cos, i still hope that i can make it, cos i really begin to enjoy myself in the school & with the students thos many of them are a terror, & sincerely hope tt God'll approve me serving Him there.
wanted to blog abt this after the interview result is out, but decided that i wanna noted down my feeling before & after the results, cos if the result is negative, surely i'll not be able to convey the joy i had when i was 1st given the interview. so pray for me that i'll taken God's decision with joy, no matter the outcome.

2. started to attend a mentoring group in church. beginning to get my walk with God settled down with a structure. it helped. some problems i had in the past was answered thru the study of God's words & it's good to have a small group of pple whom we can grow to trust.

Father, help me to love You, to not look at my past or my circumstances but to look at Your final proclamation of Your love thru the cross of Christ.

New Format?

2005-08-20T12:25:00.000+08:00

let me try a new format of writing...

first CG

just had our 1st CG yest... GOOD!!! CGL was good, brought us to west coast park, had QB & a freshie PS assasinate us... cool game... glad tt these newbies wanna grow closer as a CG... do remember Heb 10:19-25...

timetable

CMI... 3 of 5 days evening & night lessons only. the other 2 almost whole day lesson till 8pm.. gross... turning into a nocturnal creature soon... pray i'll make full use of my morns, cos i not really morning person...

not the handheld machine but personal revival, divine appointments, active obedience... just read a book, nvr have a book so convict me of my sins... pray for a radical change of heart & dispulsion of unbelief...

Church = Hospital

2005-08-08T14:59:00.000+08:00

had a heated debate with a brother in church recently on the notion: the local church shld take pre-eminence in the work of God. that was his stand. i m the opposition with my stand: the local church & parachurch shld work in a balanced partnership.

as i discussed with james Z, i thot of this analogy which can help explain the purpose of local church & parachurch in the kingdom of God.

the universal church of Christ can be seen as a general hospital. the local church is like the wards or GPs who are there to heal the wounded & sick back to health while the parachurches are specialists, who specialized in the various areas: sec/JC & tertiary student ministries, workplace ministries etc. there is no dichotomy in this. a hospital cannot function fully as a hospital if its ward decided to pull away & be independent, neither is it a GH if all their specialists open their private clinics & surgery.

"On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" (Matt 9:12)

i m saddened by the immaturity of the leaders of some local churches who claim that only the local church is a church & is the church of Christ. they have failed to see that there is a place for God's work to be done by parachurches in places that a local church can never go in.

Father, awake Your church leaders that they may also see the purpose of Your work in the various specialized ministries. may Your children see the need for such ministries that they may give the support for Your work there...

F.O.P. or FLOP

2005-08-08T14:12:00.000+08:00

FOP 05 had just ended last night, i was "privileged" to be able to squeeze into the indoor stadium. yes, literally "squeezed". the queue, as i overheard some conversations, started since morning.. WOW!!! eager worshippers of God? nah, i doubt it... nonetheless, by the time grace & i reached the place, 1 long queue had already been closed & another was extremely long... the average age of the "worshippers" was 20-21 years of age. thousands of kids were in the queue & the situation was chaotic. peopl squeezed into the smallest gap they can find & sprinted when there was a wider gap. queue-cutters were overrunning both queues & there were also "clowns" for entertainment while waiting. kids threw their bags & water bottles around, shouting & making a fool out of themselves. absolutely conducts unbecoming of Christian youths.

once into the stadium, one will still not be in the mood of worship. the reception area looked exactly like a market place, with the organizers & ushers selling CDs/DVDs/program & also 7-11 booths selling food & drinks... it was in such a mess... yucks...at the seats, all i saw was ushers selling ushers selling CDs/DVDs/program like a popcorn-man selling popcorn in a concert.

oh, did i mention that the kids seem to be there for a concert? hillsongs & delirious concert to be precise. it's really depressing to see that the kids were there to worship music & the worship leaders instead of the true object of worship: Christ Jesus Himself. thru-out the whole F.O.P., or shld i say half the F.O.P. that i was there, i only felt a sense of grieve, not of praise. the audience was spirit-gifted but not spirit-filled. they could speak in tongues but i dun sense God being worship, the true spirit of worship was so absent from the whole indoor stadium that i was able to sleep even with jumping kids & booming music blasting in my ears.

to me, F.O.P. has outlived its purpose. until & unless the F.O.P. organisers realized the absence of true worship of the one true God in F.O.P., it'll continue to be a Festival of Praise to idols, namely the music & the worship leaders. there'll no longer be a revival that will come thru F.O.P.

"I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I cannot stand your assemblies. Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them. Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them. Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps." (Amos 5:21-23)

Saya Orang Malayu 1/2 for my final sem

2005-08-05T11:59:00.000+08:00

i've gotten all my modules... now only left the tutorials... & of the 4 modules i m taking this sem, i managed to get 2 malay related modules : Islam & contemporary Malay society,& Malay Lang 1... Praise God!!! well, i believe S'pore is a unique place where we are surrounded by malay-speaking countries as well as having a large malay community within our country. so it's only logical tt i take some modules which will help me better understand my neighbours.

many of u would've known my desire to be involved in youth work, be it teaching or rehab etc... it'll really be helpful to be able to speak a bit of their language, at least they wun dare to speak in tongues abt me while i m around...but the main thing is tt i, being a non-malay, can speak malay, it's easier to gain their trust.. this'll assist me in doing watever the Lord wants me to do with them...

islam, in a certain manner, is similar to Christian, & the age-old debate has caused quite a bit of confusion among the pple. i m certain of wat i believe. but if i dunno wat the muslims believe & how they live their lives according to wat they believe, then how can i effectively share with them wat i believe, especially when both claim to be speaking the truth?

4 more months to go... 4 more modules to conquer... 4 more days to the beginning of my final sem... 4,4,4... translate that to chinese/hokkien/cantonese & it'll sound like die die die... die liao la... ;p

Facing the BIG Unknown With Fear & Trepidation...

2005-08-01T16:53:00.000+08:00

only 7 more days to the start of my final Sem in NUS... feeling kinda excited, yet uneasy. excited cos i'll b ending my basic education soon, uneasy cos of the uncertainty of the future. guess wat i m struggling with is faith in God. not tt i dun trust tt He is my Lord & Saviour, but knowing His promise to me that He has "plans to prosper [me] & not the harm [me], plans to give [me] hope & a future", i still find it hard to grapple with this truth.

my mentor reminded me of Hebrews 11:1. it was a very clear definition of wat faith really is, & it helped me understand better. yet i still can't internalize it in my heart...
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Claim: to take as the rightful owner. there are specific promises that God gave to each of us, some to the general believers, some to only a specific person. i have trouble claiming the promises of God. not tt i dunno that God has given us promises, but "claim" has been an overly used word by the believers of health & wealth gospel, such tt i have problems reconciling even with the correct usage of the word. it's not a bad word, but it can turn us from a discerning owner to a blinded robber.

Father, teach me to claim Your promises to me, not for health & wealth, but in the correct context which You have authorized me to claim, promises that You have specifically given me so that i may grow in faith in You through my Lord Jesus.

The Sexiest Voice @ VCF FOC 05

2005-07-13T16:00:00.000+08:00

hahaha... this is a self-proclamation... i literally lost my voice during the FOC!!! tt's the most terrible thing that could happen to someone in a choir (even tho it may just be a small church choir). it was torturous to be in the midst of worshipping in songs & yet can't sing a single word... to make matters "worse", most VCFers can sing in parts, which made the songs even more beautiful... at that point of time, i was really tearing...the verse that came to my mind was from Job: the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. ya.. it was encouraging, but still, there was kinda reluntant to lose my singing voice...

now a week has passed, my voice has recovered, at least i can talk w/o problem... but guess must wait till Sun when i go for my choir practice then will i know if i've lost part of my singing voice.

FOC was good, good to see new faces, tho i admit i dun really prefer new & strange faces... kinda scary tt i've to offer myself to the freshies to make frens with them, esp being a senior & a leader in VCF, i've no choice...but God was good such tt the freshies in my group were not as scary as i thot them to be.. :D the Necessarily Stage was quite moral degrading tho, with Barney, MJ, Paris Hilton on the same stage..

Long Time No Blog...

2005-06-28T13:11:00.000+08:00

sigh... it's been about a month since i last blogged... while, it's been quite busy getting things done, thinking thru issues, trying to get myself healed from cough... it's not easy... sometimes, i do think abt the purpose of my blog these days... had been quite busy such tt i dun have time to sit down & think thru things for myself & to share it with people online... was thinking tt this blog has slowly turned to a rotting log with a "b" in front... lame... i know...

well... guess i'll still keep to simply put in occasional thots & things like tt... the thing is, i dun really have time to blog.. not tt i no time to think etc... but i'll take a really long time to get anything written, & by the time my blog is almost written, the topic is obsolete... so no point posting, right? i can't really type & think at the same time... okies, this is 1 rare occasion i m doing it...

watched "batman begins" yest... at scene where little bruce wayne told alfred tt he missed his parents, i thot to myself: will i miss anyone close to me shld he/she died suddenly? well, once in a while, i still missed my 4th aunt. she went Home last sept. but the missing her doesn't hinder any part of my life... continued probing my mind, i realized tt i would probably be able to move on quite fast shld anyone else close to me dies suddenly. dun really know if this is good or bad, whether i m heartless, or i've learnt tt the Lord is my reason of existence, not the person who just died.

then i went on to check if i m heartless by categorizing my friends & family into my social circles, u know, the innermost circle of people, the middle circle & outermost circle thingy? it was alarming to realize tt i have not allowed anyone, not even grace, into my innermost circle. those whom i m closer to (u know who u r, based to the type of sharing i have with u) i can only put them in my middle circle. only then did i realize that i m really not ready to open myself up to people. i've always have this fear of rejection, being ostrasized. i thank God that thru the Scriptures, He has assured me of His love, in a sense, i know at least God is really really for me... & i thank Him for bringing 2 persons into my life, whom i m more comfortable in sharing deeper stuff, one of which is grace, the other is a brother whom i dun really get the chance to meet up much, but is someone who will listen & pray for me. & i know this brother will certainly read this entry, right bro?

sigh... dun really know wat i m talking... but i hope to promote more people from the outer circles of my life into the inner ones, tt i may build a deep & authentic relationship with u guys...

Looking Back @ LPC'05

2005-06-04T20:56:00.000+08:00

Leaders Planning Camp has just ended. it's the most tiring LPC of the 3 tt i've attended in my days in VCF. why? cos i was invited to VCF Exco officially on 31st May 05 as Teaching & Program Co-ordinator & almost immedately i had to start work. not tt i m complaining, in fact i enjoyed the work tt the Lord has given me after a good round of challenging my SQ (surrendered-ness quotient), but it was indeed tiring having to face with issues in VCF as a whole instead of my comfy level of "Sci Fac only"... i've nvr prayed so intensely in a camp b4, but the issues faced by the different FHS really brought the whole Exco on our knees till late @nite.

there are many things in my mind now, but m too tired to really think thru all of them... anyway, will have to do an evaluation as an Exco, so i'll just leave it for the time being... all i can say now is tt it's been a fruitful LPC seeing the power of the Lord... wat i m really really thankfully to the Lord, which i MUST highlight despite of my tiredness is tt He really knows the needs of the ministry & hears the prayers of His pple. as of my previous MSN nick, i was still desperately looking for pple to come into the Anntic comm.. thru LPC & after much prayer, the Lord brought quite a few pple to consider joining the comm. in fact, just b4 we break camp, a bro confirmed his joining the comm. it really made my day... Thank You Lord...

will try to update soon...

I Love My Brothers... [satu]

2005-05-12T21:08:00.000+08:00

i love my brothers... very caring, aren't they? even when i haven't even propose to grace proper, they r already gearing up to help out in our wedding... how can i not love them? :D any more volunteers to the list of my wedding helpers? ;p

Finally Hols...

2005-05-06T12:04:00.000+08:00

had been busy the last 1 week after exams... grace's granny was in hospital, thankfully she was discharged and is now resting at home... it's like always there to support grace & her family while granny was in hospital, quite tiring for me... but then again, this is the time of our r/ship where we learn to love & serve our partner's family as well... i must admit, it's not easy, espesially when there is a language barrier. her granny can speak only dialects (cantonese, hokkien) while i can understand only basic dialects & can barely form sentences... if grace isn't around, i'll have difficulty conveying the message across to her granny...

anyway, it's been more than 7 days after my exams.. & i can't believe that it's not MK or galv who ask me to update my blog... it's grace!!! she actually told me last night that it's been 7 days after exams, not 7 hours more to freedom... well, she's right tho... ;p

okies.. gotta go.. gonna start prep for Anntic meeting soon...

It's Back... again... sobsob

2005-04-28T07:59:00.000+08:00

the weather is back to its crazy high range of 29-35 degree Celcius... my heat-triggered eczema starts acting up again... sigh.. thankfully the cream the doc gave 2 weeks ago hasn't finished yet... still can tahan a while...

last paper today... barely scraped through my previous 3 papers in 2 days.. basically, my whole exam lasts only 50 hours, & i m at my 7 hours... jia you... going for macs breakfast w the lib gang liao...

One, Two, Three...

2005-04-26T21:30:00.000+08:00

1 down, 2 more days, 3 papers to go... tt's my 1,2,3...
stoned already, tmr 9am & 5pm... probably zombified by 7pm... it's ok, thurs 3pm, i shall rise again... thank God for this 1st paper, not too difficult.. hope it'll b th same for the next 3 papers, but there are tons of stuff to memorize... see how la... too stoned to write anything meaningful now... shall go rest soon...

A Thorn in my Flesh...

2005-04-17T08:26:00.000+08:00

"...to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me -- to keep me from exalting myself!... ...And He has said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is is made perfect in weakness."... ...for Christ's sake; for when i am weak, then i am strong." (2Cor 12:7-10) some theologians said that the thorn in Paul's flesh was his eye ailments or some bodily illnesses. i believe it not to be too far from what actually happened to Paul.

i went to the doc's on Fri. had quite an irritating itchy rash all over my upper body for the past week. calamine lotion & prickly heat powder were practically useless. the funny weather & perspiration caused the itch to be even... even... even "itchier"? anyway i guess u know wat i mean... the doc gave some tablets & cream. but the primary diagnosis he gave was mild eczema tt's heat triggered. eczema is non-curable, as far as i know; it can only be contained. to have the thot tt i'll be scratching myself crazy every year when the weather goes bonkers in april to august, it's really scary...

as i returned to the lib for exam fellowship, the Lord showed me the above passage. it truly brought comfort to me as it reminds me how insignificant bodily illnesses are in comparison to knowing Him & His saving grace. tears rolled down my cheeks as i read the passage over & over again.

Thank You for loving me, even a "leper" like me... whether i eat or drink or whatever i do, even scratch my leprous body, i'll try my best to do all to Your glory...

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of understanding of it… [wu]

2005-04-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

*the epilogue*
abt half a year has passed since i wrote this mini-series. do click on my november archives to read the 1st 4 installations of "L-O-V-E, more like the lack of understanding of it..."

earlier today, i had just celebrated my 1st-year-together with Grace. gosh... it was amazing. a year has passed just like. yet it felt like it's already been quite a while since we got together. many things had happened thoughout this 1 year: happy things, sad things, joys & frustrations... it wasn't easy. things happened along the way such that i had even needed to read my own mini-series to remind myself what a true godly r/ship shld be. & there are only 2 main points that i can't stress enough: commitment & perseverance. i shall not elaborate on these 2 points since i had already written quite a bit before (so do read those entries to get a better idea of what i m saying). but it's really these 2 aspects of my r/ship that kept me going...

well, even now, when i look at Grace, i sometimes still wonder, who m i, wat have i done right to deserve having a girlfriend? or shld i say: wat have i done right to deserve Grace? i suppose the answer is "nothing". & therefore it is by grace i received Grace. corny i know, but it is true, i suppose... & her name is there, i suppose, to constantly remind that it isn't by my works that i m 1st saved den deserving a girlfriend, but it's wholly by God's grace upon me...

Thank You, Lord!!! we'll be constantly looking for Your guidance in our r/ship...

It's Here... Again...

2005-03-31T13:49:00.000+08:00

inevitable, unescapable... exams are once again around the corner... as usual, yours sincerely is relatively ill-prepared, still rushing to complete his reports so that he can start studying... have come to realize over these few years that i simply can't study at home... there are just too many distractions at home: my goggle box, my cozy little den under my blanket, the fridge, the goggle box... oops, i've already mentioned it... anyway, now i m typing this blog in the lib where i can finally get something done...

looking around me, muggers are already at work; 2 weeks before the reading the lib is already half filled... gosh, i really wonder how i m going to get a seat & a power socket next week...well, this is my 2nd last academic exams in my whole life (unless i decide to do my post grad somewhere 10-20 years down the road), can't afford to fail a single module... gotta get back to my work...

oh, by the way, any Sci CFer reading this, i'll be in the lib every afternoon till lib close, so do come & join me in this exam lib fellowship... :)

Prosperous Christian or Faithful Manager in the Bank of God (II)

2005-03-16T09:36:00.000+08:00

last night this statement just popped into my head & i just wanna share it here.
Prosperity, in the light of the gospel, is dependent on our faith and our faithfulness.
yup, it has to be both faith & faithfulness, not one less. we must have the faith in God tt He'll give us the finances & perhaps the abundance in finances, & the faith in Him tt He'll give us the wisdom to use His money wisely. yet at the same time, we must be a faithful steward in managing His money & not claiming it to be ours. lacking any one of the two, we will not be as prosperous as God has intended for us to be...

well, i know i m dancing on the fine line between prosperity gospel & the balanced idea of prosperity in the light of the gospel. hope i have not given a wrong idea that i support propserity gospel. the key thing is still faithfulness as a steward...

Prosperous Christian or Faithful Manager in the Bank of God?

2005-03-15T09:55:00.000+08:00

i have always known that the elderly (not v old, but certainly older than my parents) who always sits at the 2nd row from the front on the left of the sanctuary near the centre aisle, is some sort of a leader in church, yet i've always thot he's probably a retiree.. today when i opened the papers, i saw his picture there. only then did i know he's not only a elder in church, but also the head of a big company in S'pore. gosh!!! "got eyes dun recognize Tarzan" (translated from a Chinese idiom, with a tongue-in-cheek) the 1st questions tt popped into my head was: how did he manage to do well in the secular world & God's kingdom at the same time? being the head of a big company, he must be very rich, in that case what is God's perspective of prosperity?

these questions would not have popped into my head if my sis had not asked me abt my prosective of prosperity in the light of the gospel some time ago. having this new example for me to think thru, i remembered Matt 25:14-30, the parable of the talents. seriously speaking, i believe God doesn't really bother much abt prosperity in terms of monetary aspects, wat matters more to Him is our stewardship. just like the slave who was given ten talents, this elder faithfully did well with it, not claiming that the "prosperity" belongs to him but sees himself as a steward. just like a manager in a bank, the tons of money passing his hand doesn't belong to him, but he faithfully transacts the money as it is supposed to. therefore if we r "prosperous", we must remember that the money is not ours but God's; we r to be faithful managers in His bank. likewise, if we r not that "prosperous" (like myself), we r to be faithful bank tellers in the bank of God, not to claim that the money in our hands r ours, but to transact the money as it ought to be transacted... & when we r faithful, He'll give us more talents to handle for Him...

Speechless?

2005-03-10T08:44:00.000+08:00

have u some time in ur life where u wanna say something, but dunno wat to say; feel like talking to someone, but dun really feel like talking? well, tt's how i m feeling right now... perhaps tt's y i m here by my comp, typing this speechless blog...

was just thinking of the possible reasons y i feel this way... i guess it's likely to be tiredness. had 2 of my mid-term tests last week, having 1 tmr & 1 next thurs, not to mention a whole series of lab reports to be handed in every week for the next 3 weeks...

Lord, how do i study for Your glory & in worship of You when i m tired of studying? Help me Lord, for it is Your creations tt i m studying... grant me understanding of Your beautiful creations...

Letting Go... Letting God...

2005-03-03T23:36:00.000+08:00

this has been a common phrase in the Christian world... but often i dun like using cliche phrases (did i spell right or use right?)... more often than not, pple use phrases like these out of context. not only tt, young Christians these days quote phrases like this or song lyrics instead of understanding wat they really mean & which part of the bible do these phrases come from... quite worrying...

however, the past 2 weeks had been a time which God used to teach me to do my part & let Him take care of the rest... james 4:13-17 reminded me how my heart was the last week, & how my attitude shld be... i was like the businessman mentioned by james in his letter, planning this & that for his own personal gain, w/o acknowledging that God is sovereign over him. i planned/calculated my future as if i am really in control of my life... well, all this hussle made me super stressed up, overwhelmed by the future ahead. i mean, i was sheltered by my parents for the past 23 years, i have nvr really given a thot abt housing, CPF, marriage etc... but over the last 2 weeks, all these thots & its urgency (now tt i have a girlfriend who is likely to be my wife, plus my family's financial situation isn't good) just popped into my head & i was overwhelmed... i spent a lot of time doing research, calculating my finances & my loans, literally cracked my head at all these new issues in my life...

on sunday, i really broke down... spent some time in quietness with God... kinda heard Him (not in an audible voice, of cos) telling me wat my problem was, & over this week, He showed me james 4:13-17. i have always believed that God gave us a brain to think & plan... i believe also that james thot so too, but he was clear in 4:15 that as we think & plan, we must not forget that we are dependent on God to bring success. hence, in this 2 weeks, i learnt that i haven't done much wrong when i planned, cos i have to be a good steward of God's gift to me: my brain. yet after i am done with my thinking & research, i have to submit to His sovereign plan, & wait upon Him to bring to pass wat He deem best for me...

as for now, i resolve to stop my planning & calculation until i m closer to graduation, cos i have already done wat i can do, & the only thing i can do now is to pray & wait. in the meantime, i shld get back to serving God in ministering to pple, both in church & in VCF...

Post-Modernism 101 for Aunties

2005-02-22T08:40:00.000+08:00

i m NOT an arts student, nvr really know anything abt post-modernism. have a vague idea but nvr understood it. however, a conversation with my mum yesterday made me realize tt the concept of post-modernism is in almost everyone, including lowly educated individuals like my mum. *gasp*

post-modernism, as i try to remember wat i just read, is sthg abt disorder, no truth, non-universality, etc... in short, self-centred. my mum is a pre-believer (i hope...cos there's a difference between pre-believer & non-believer). we talked abt marriage & she mentioned tt i m too restrictive, such tt i only allow a Christian marrying another Christian & not any other from other religions. i told her it's written in the scripture tt we cannot marry any other outside our faith. then she went on saying tt i m too engrossed with Christianity such tt i m in the devil. so long as one is happily married to a person he/she loves, tt's enough;it doesn't matter which religion the other is from... D-U-H!!!

then she went on to rattle abt if can't find a person one loves, then there's no purpose/meaning in this world. i tried to explain tt there is a next world waiting for us, but she says tt's still unknown, since it's unknown now, y restrict ourselves? go on & do wat we like & enjoy ourselves...eat, drink & be merry, for tomorrow we die... D-U-H!!!

wat really amazed me was tt, such ideas are actually in the minds of most human beings, even those who had nvr heard of the term "post-modernism". it strikes me tt for people who have gone thru quite a fair bit of academic studies, we can still deliver the truth to them in the form of showing them the truth in the scriptures & the flaws in their ideas, challenging them to think. but for post-modern aunties/uncles like my mum, i really dunno how to show them the flaws in their ideas, cos they couldn't be bothered to think. and even when they say they believed in Jesus or they pray to Jesus, i do have my doubts, cos i dun think they know who Jesus really is. to them, our Messiah is just another god, cos all religions lead to the same teaching...

help them, Lord, to see the truth. help us, Lord, to relate the truth to them, such tt the truth is relevant to them. amen.

it just donned to me the book of Ecclesiastes is particularly a book which addresses post-modernism. & it's written 3000 years ago. hmmm... shall not try to expound the book here, cos i tried giving a message from this book & it took me a week of intensive study, & i still dun quite understand wat Solomon was trying to say... myb u can read the book & see if i m right abt it being God's response to post-modernism... :)

I Dun Wanna Grow Up...

2005-02-21T10:00:00.000+08:00

was just playing with my mind, finding things to think abt when i saw a wedding invitation card which i had received over the weekend. sigh, i AM getting old... well, to be precise, older. the 1st indication any S'pore folk will get tt reminds him of his age is the weddings he'll have to attend WITHOUT his parents. well, not only weddings, wakes & funerals too...

the next thing (more accurately, person) tt reminds me of my aging process is my girlfriend. well, it's not her fault at all; she din remind me, but because of her, i get reminded. when i was younger in my NS days, my older cousins kept asking me if i have a girlfriend yet & never believed tt i din have 1 then. now, my granny & aunts (& even 1 of my uncles) keep asking me when i m going to marry Grace. 1st thing CNY they asked me over the phone, can u believe it? gosh!!! i m still young!!! i still need to graduate & find a stable job 1st...

tt leads me to the 3rd thing tt reminds me i m getting old: graduation & looking for jobs. career fairs nvr seems so relevent to me b4. pre-marriage prep is quite tiring too, having to think thru wat r the things i need to prep b4 i can officially start my marriage prep. pple keep asking me: huh, u planning to get married already meh? of cos not, i haven't grad yet, but i need to know the market: the housing, our careers, which church to serve & worship God in, knowing wat to prep so tt when we really start to prep, we wun be too panicky...

well, myb i think too much, but myb it's just right, i dunno, but i think it's ok to think ahead.
but all these thinking ahead makes me even older... boy, i m getting old... i dun wanna grow up... :(

Blog Reflection

2005-02-16T08:32:00.000+08:00

it's been more than a year since i started my blog... used to blog every other day, then slowly go down slightly irregular, eventually stopped for 4 months. when i picked it up again, i wrote often, but only when there is a topic to write.. had always wondered if this blog is for my own thot recording purpose, or does God use it to minister to my brothers & sisters out there... i mean, my main purpose of blogging is to write some articles & my thots to minister to people, Christians, non-Christians alike, i dunno if anyone reads my articles.

very glad tt God affirmed me of the purpose of this blog from time to time with encouragement from brothers in church & VCF, & recently an anonymous brother/sister. thanx Daddy for showing me the purpose for this blog's existence. may it continue to bring You glory thru the things You put into my heart to write.

sigh, half the sem is gone, yet i haven't started any studying yet, practically clueless abt my lectures... must really make use of the 4-day break to start some serious studying, yet 3 days of 4 have already been taken up by activities... argh!!! & mid-term is just round the corner... can't afford to fail any of my modules, else i'll really do a year 4... year 3.5 is bad enough, i dun wish to waste another $3000 sch fee... jia you!!! actually not, i v fat liao... :'(

Psalms 119:105

2005-01-26T11:15:00.000+08:00

i was reading a Christian book just now, and was convicted of a particular sin. actually i was convicted long time ago but can't seem to break the bondage. yet God has placed an end to my problem just that it is not yet here. the "vision" is some sort like i m in a long dark tunnel, able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, yet it seems so far... where i m is still quite dark such that the only speck of light is right at the end and i can't see anything else. kinda afraid yet having the hope of reaching the end of the tunnel. i prayed to God: Lord, i know You have already given a solution right at the end of the dark tunnel. but right now keep me from fear and sin. give me a candle or torchlight to shine my path as i inch towards the end of the tunnel.

guess wat. at the very next moment, this verse popped into my head as a song we sing in church. Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. boy, i was shocked. God's reply was so swift. His word is the solution. Jesus is the Word of God (John 1:1-18), also the scripture is the word of God. ...and in His law he meditates day and night. (Ps1:2b) only then can we be free break away from our bondages.

ah... just look again at the picture & the Lord's swift reply. how beautiful is He, how faithful is He who watches over all His children. Thank You Father, for You, through Jesus, have given us a light to guide our path towards Yourself. Blessed be Your name, and may You keep us (me) close to You always...

Paradise: Can't Be Found Anywhere Yet Everywhere

2005-01-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

5 years ago, i was lying on a beach chair in Clementi swimming complex, trying to find peace. somehow i went into a daze. not really sleeping yet not thinking of anything. my mind was really blank. at that time, i "felt" peace, as if in that short duration, i was in paradise.

this evening, i was in paradise again. yet my understand of being in paradise was totally different from that 5 years ago. i was a Christian for 7 years, but only 3-4 years ago was i really a believer & follower of Christ. today before me was a display of God's artistic attributes. the bright round moon in a bright blue sky, patches of clouds, rays from the setting sun, birds & their aerial display. wow!!! i was totally in awe of God while resting in His presence by the side of NUS pool & with His presence, where i was sitting turned into paradise in an instance...

people often define paradise as somewhere beautiful, relaxing. but nowhere on earth can that place be permanent. e.g. maldives. i've heard how beautiful it is, but 1 tsunami is enough to destroy 2/3 of the "paradise"... the only place in this fallen world that is forever paradise is in the presence of God. in His presence, even the most unpleasant place can be paradise. now tt i've tasted a bit of paradise, i wanna be in paradise always...

It is FiNiSHeD!!!

2005-01-16T17:52:00.000+08:00

hahaha!!! finally it is finished!!! my 6-mth exile to JB finally came to a complete close when i handed in my report & did my presentation yest... gosh...11 more mths to go b4 i leave NUS... hopefully i dun fail any modules...

well, it's the beginning of the year, & as usual, new year resolutions sprung up. but always wonder how much of my resolutions will i keep this year... sometimes, i feel quite funny to resolve to achieve the same things i wanna achieve last year, to grow closer to God. cos it sounded as if i haven't grown closer to God even a bit bit. but shouldn't this the resolution of ALL Christians: to grow closer to God each day, each year? wat is there to be funny abt? nonetheless, i still felt funny... :)

an eventful year last year, i am forecasting another eventful, exciting year, cos the Lord seemed to impress to me certain things abt ministry, other than the usual reminders to walk closer to Him. still in the midst of consulting brothers-in-Christ, thinking & praying thru the diff ministries, knowing tt ministry is not just abt me doing stuff for God & His pple, but it's also abt me being humble to trust God in His guidance & providence, & to pick up new skills or sharpen my skills...

well, like i said, i dunno, still praying, thinking, consulting. see where He leads... :)
Happy Belated New Year!!! (learnt this from a friend this morning;he greeted me new year cos this is the 1st time we met this year... hehz...)

OldManKelTan almost HoMe...

2004-12-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

almost home... not to my CCK home, but my eternal home before the throne of the Father... yesterday was my 2nd last day at work, my colleague wanted to gimme a seafood dinner treat. 100m after we left the factory, a tractor in front of us suddenly u-turned, causing my colleague to swerve his car to the right. but given tt sudden u-turn, our car had no chance of escaping from a crash. the front left of the car was badly dented, i bumped my head on the car roof as a result of the impact and suffering from a bad stiff neck now.

the 1st thing i thot of when the car & the tractor had stopped was "thank You God for preserving my life." can u imagine, the impact was on the left side. if my colleague had sped yesterday to overtake the tractor, the big machine might have crash directly into the left side of the car instead of just the front left. the front passenger seat was perfectly intact after the accident. hence apart from the bump, i had no other injuries. Thank God for that.

one thing is the sovereignty of God over my life. my life is so fragile; it can be taken away any moment, but He chose to let me live to type this entry. people often say, "i m in control of my own life..." i seriously wonder, after this accident, how true is that. i, oldmankeltan, m certainly NOT in control of my life; i can't. in a sense, my colleague was the driver, i m at his mercy (so to speak), the tractor driver who u-turned his machine, could've been the one taking my life from me (so to speak again), but it is God who truly has the power to give & take my life. 5km/h faster & i would've been home, but He wills tt i stay in the world longer. therefore i live.

oh, by the way, i've just ended my IA in JB!!! yippee!!!

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of understanding of it… [yi]

2004-11-26T23:10:00.000+08:00

{this entry is the intro to the few entries below. Read the entries in the sequence as u scroll down. DO NOT go to the other entries 1st!!! }

*intro*
wat is L-O-V-E? youngsters nowaday dunno wat love is... nope, i m not talking abt the general youngsters. i m talking abt Christian youths, youths according to the National Youth Council's definition of "youth", in which the word represents persons of the age group from 12 to 35. i m 23 this year, still very youthful, tho in this entry, i'll take the role of OldManKelTan or Ah_Peh18 (as i had always called myself since i was 18...) ;p

in the past 12 mths, i've encountered quite a wide range of love issues, particularly BGR... (i know MK is gonna grin big big when he reads this, right MK?) ;p over this one year, i've seen many get-togethers (including my own get-together with Grace), many BUs (Break-Ups, affectionately known as BUs by some of the grad Sci CFers), & also quite a number of infatuation & serious consideration of r/ships...

while i m happy for the couples God had placed together, i m grieved as well at the many pairs whom BUed this year, some of which lasted less than 6mths...in this entry, i shall attempt to touch on only the get-togethers & BUs. if u r interested to read some thots on singlehood, considerations, myb a bit bit on infatuation, i would like refer u to Josh Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" & "Boy Meets Girl"... closer to us, MK has written some thots too, so if u want to, u can click on his name on the right column on this page under "windows to lives around me". I’ll probably write abt infatuations too, but not in the near future, cos I’ll be quite busy for 3 weeks from next week onwards…

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of understanding of it… [er]

2004-11-26T23:08:00.000+08:00

*kel’s thots on commitment*
i have always believed that BGR is NOT just a term, or a plaything. neither is it some trial period for 2 persons to get together "to see if we r suitable for each other" or “because we love each other”. RUBBISH!!! i have always believed that God has the intention to put 2 right persons together at the right time for the prospects of a marriage, & tt God doesn’t put 2 persons together for the fun of it & break them up after He had fun with them. Ask yourself, those who had more than 1 r/ship before. how does it feel when u & your previous partner BUed? u guys were practically torn apart, even tho u may put on a front & say, "we BUed peacefully, we realized God had different plans for us, so we BUed." Wat happens when this feeling of love between the 2 of u fades away due to various circumstances? “there isn’t anymore feeling between us, so we BUed…”

C'mon, pple of God... y must u get together, attached yourselves together emotionally, only to realize tt that wasn't God's plan for the 2 of u? din u know u have to seek God 1st via godly counsel before taking the plunge? when 2 persons get together in a BGR, it is already a commitment to each other, saying tt "i'll grow to b the person u wanna marry." we have to have the future, the hope in our minds when we consider getting into a r/ship, else both parties will get hurt eventually...

many people hold this idea, tt commitment starts only when the 2 of u have been together for some time & thinking of marriage. The rationale is tt unless the 2 of u said the wedding vows in the presence of a minister, ur partner may not eventually be ur spouse, & hence we can’t put in all our hearts to the r/ship. But my understanding is tt, if we can’t even be committed to serve our partners wholeheartedly in this 1 r/ship for tt few years before, wat makes us think tt we can be committed to our spouses for the rest of our lives? As Christians, I would choose to believe tt all u young Christians will not two-time ur partners. isn’t this commitment to our partners already? Why then do I need to discuss abt commitment?

BGR is the 1st step towards marriage. Since marriage is sacred, BGR is therefore just as impt, as it leads the B & G together on this R towards marriage. In a marriage, the husband’s role is to love his wife, “just as Christ loved the church & gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, & present her to himself as a radiant church, w/o stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy & blameless.” (Eph 5:25-27) The wife is to submit to her husband “as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, the body, of which He is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Eph 5:22-24) it is mammoth-task for anyone to truly fulfill these roles of a husband/wife as instructed by God thru Apostle Paul.

Therefore BGR is the stage thru which the B & G get together & learn to fulfill these roles to each other, so tt when they are finally married, they can be the husband & wife God has called them to be. How would a couple learn to become husband & wife if they are not committed to help each other grow in the Lord before they are married? Hence, commitment is not just abt staying faithful to only 1 partner, but also to commit yourselves to bring each other up to the knowledge of the Lord.

I have known people who fear commitment, perhaps due to previous bad experiences, I dun have any solutions for u, only God can heal u of ur past hurts. “Seek Him & He will be found when u seek Him with all your heart.” (Jer 29:13) there are also people who dun wanna be tied down by commitments, wanna be free to go anywhere, do anything. Yet amongst these 2 groups, there are some who still wish to enjoy close companionship with someone of the opposite sex. I have no commands from God for u, but just as Paul did in 1Cor 7, I would suggest tt u stay single & learn to be contented in the Lord until u are willing/ready to commit yourselves, so tt u dun hurt another person because of your lack of commitment.

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of understanding of it… [san]

2004-11-26T23:07:00.000+08:00

*kel’s thots on perseverance*
let's look at 1Cor 13:7. "it always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres." Paul here is talking abt agape love, which can be applied to many aspects of life, & i m now applying it to BGR. before we start a r/ship, we must already know that the person we so-called love, is a totally different person from us; there is bound to be differences between the 2 of u. therefore, a couple will always have disagreements, tho not necessarily arguements. the last aspect in this verse says "always perseveres". as we love our partners, no matter wat happens, big/small arguements, crisis etc, we r to persevere in loving tt person we chose to b our prospective spouse. if we have not the future/hope in mind, i.e. marriage, how then can we have the motivation to persevere?

when i talk abt persevere, i did not mean "tolerate" or "ren" in Chinese. if a couple "tolerates" each other in a r/ship, it'll b just like blowing up a balloon. the more the couple tolerates, the more air pumped into the balloon, the higher the pressure build up inside. when 1 day both parties can't take anymore pressure, the balloon burst & the damage caused can be devastating. hurts may be brought into the next r/ship, causing more harm to the next partners.

"Persevere" has, to me, an idea of overcoming obstacles with achieving the goal in mind, being persistent in working out the r/ship. Perseverance in a r/ship is a commitment to stay faithful to tt 1 partner u have chosen. not only tt, it is to commit yourselves to bring each other up to the knowledge of the Lord, as mentioned in the earlier entry. As mentioned above, our partners are definitely different from us in many ways. In our perseverance to make the r/ship work, we are to communicate a lot with each other so tt we may better understand each other & work ard our differences. Only when we persevere together as a couple then we can compliment each other & make our differences work for the good of the r/ship. If only 1 party perseveres & the other gives up easily, the r/ship will fall apart 1 day. 1 hand can’t clap, only when 2 hands work together can there be an applause.

Persevere would also mean accepting each other’s shortcoming & help the other party overcome his/her weakness instead of being angry with him/her, encouraging him/her instead of being critical. There are times when the r/ship seems too difficult to continue due to various reasons. As a couple, we are to persevere together. If because a small bump, the couple easily gives up the r/ship, they will regret their decision 1 day. not only tt, their future r/ships will more likely face the same problems because they have not learnt to persevere together as a couple.

Having a r/ship is not easy, Grace & I can testify & identify with tt. Many times, she has to accept my impatience & constantly reminding me to be patient w/o turning impatient herself. I had to accept the fact tt she handles stress differently from me, & I have to constantly remind her to share her stress with me instead of storing the pressure within herself. These are just some of our many weakness tt we are learning to accept. If we are not looking at the future & the hope of marriage, if we dun persevere in this r/ship, we would have BUed on our 3rd mth together when we were both very stressed. On looking back, I thank God tt we had both persevered, wanting the best for our r/ship, & we are now happily looking forward to our future together.

L-O-V-E, more like the lack of understanding of it… [si]

2004-11-26T23:05:00.000+08:00

*conclusion… for now*
I have shared with us wat’s happening among Christians youths (stress again: youths r people from the age-group 12-35 years old) in the aspect of BGR & some of my thots abt how some Christian youths perceive love & r/ships, some causes of BUs & 2 essential components of a r/ship: commitment & perseverance. Hope it has been useful to u in understanding love in BGR, & also as evaluation pointers for your own r/ship. This mini-series tt is written, is mainly inspired by the many BUs I see this year, & hence more tailored for those who are in a r/ship right now, reminding u wat a r/ship is & 2 essential aspects tt will keep a r/ship going happily.

There is a rising concern now for those who are not in a r/ship with anyone. Issues on wanting “love”, infatuations & crushes are quite pressing these days. I have seen youths of all ages facing these problems, esp the older youths. I’ll try to write the next mini-series for “the singles not wanting to be single” hopefully by end of the year…

Do gimme feedback for this mini-series via comment link or tag-board, so tt I may improve when I write the next mini-series… by the way, if u think this mini-series is helpful, u are free to give ur frens my blog link…

I Will Sing by Don Moen

2004-11-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

this song speaks my heart...

I Will Sing by Don Moen

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
Tho I haven’t lost my faith
I must confess right now that it’s hard for me to pray

But I dunno wat to say & I dunno where to start
But as You give the grace with all that’s in my heart

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour, thru the sorrow & the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour You, bcos Your word is true
I will sing

Lord it’s hard for me to see
All the thots & plans You have for me
But I put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free

But I dunno wat to say & I dunno where to start
But as You give the grace with all that’s in my heart

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour, thru the sorrow & the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour You, bcos Your word is true

I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour, thru the sorrow & the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour You, bcos Your word is true
I will sing, I will sing, I will sing

75 hrs minus 2min Laying Hands on xXx…

2004-11-02T16:03:00.000+08:00

in Christian terms, when we mention abt laying hands on someone, we usually mean praying for tt someone. Hmmm… ~75 hrs laying hands on… can’t imagine anyone laying hands on me for ~75 hrs… yup, I supposed I’ll be the most blessed person on earth to have someone loving me so much, such tt he/she lays a hand on me & pray for me ~75 hrs w/o sleep… think I’ll bochup the person for abt 3 times to sleep… ;p

yet somewhere in the heart of S’pore, there r 2 such persons, laying their hands w/o sleeping for ~75 hrs, with 12 times 5min breaks in between… hehz, perhaps they really r praying, praying tt they dun stop laying hands b4 the person does… yes, probably you would have guessed: it’s the Subaru WRX challenge!!! 238 contestants took part, & up to now, 2 of the 238 are still standing by the much coveted car, laying their hands on it… Hmmm, will the winner say, “I want a car, so I laid hands on it & prayed, & I got it…”

Hmmm… what makes these people brave the sun & rain to lay hands on a car, while we Christians rarely lay hands on one another to pray for them? I, for one, am guilty of not laying hands on fellow BnSiC regularly… Are you one of them too?

Sabbath...a Commandment i m Struggling to keep...

2004-10-14T16:01:00.000+08:00

in this modern society, where the pace of life has increased tremendously, where the cost of living is sky-high, it is really hard for us to take a step back & find ourselves a time to rest...

many of us know tt God had ordained rest since the creation of the world. it is so impt tt God even placed it in the 10 commandments:"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy." (Exo 20:8-11, NIV)

i must confess tt as a Christian, i know this commandment very well, but many times i would just brush it aside. very slowly, i would just slip into a routine of work & sleep so tt i can work the next day. when Sunday comes, it'll just be going to church for service, listening to the same old messages, occasionally inspiring enough to stand during altar call, only to carry on with my routine all over again when Monday comes again. Sunday has slowly turned into a time where most Christians stock up their fridges & shelves for the week, doing laundry & household chores, run errands, & totally forgotten to take a break to reflect.

well, while we have gradually placed Sabbath at the back of our minds, God hasn't forgotten His commandments to us. have you realized tt once in a while we may just fall sick for no particular reason, injured ourselves such tt we may be immobilized for a couple of days/weeks or even months? there r 2 reasons to this: 1. our physical body isn't super. like a machine, it'll break down once in a while if we dun rest it & maintain it. 2. it is also God's way to remind us to take a break from work. as we fall sick or injured, we r forced to rest, cos if we dun, we'll nvr get well. only then will we slow down our pace & sleep more, read the bible more, reflect on our past few days/weeks/months since we last rested. well, tt's what i m doing now anyway... *sheepish smile*

even now, i do have a note of warning to you who are read my blog right now. like i mentioned, when we fall sick/injured, it's God's mandatory rest. DO NOT try to work cos nothing good will come out of it. i know tt in this fast-paced world, it's not quite possible to rest even when we r down, assignments & deadlines will not be pushed back, bosses will hurry us back to work. but DO remember tt we have already violated God's 4th commandment in the 1st place, therefore dun try to push it further, or you'll regret it... & if you do keep your "make up" Sabbath, God is gracious & He will grant you the strength to complete your work b4 the deadlines... just like what i put for my MSN nick, "if u dun make time for Sabbath, God will find time for u, & u wun like it..."

Some Lessons from Sept & OT

2004-10-13T20:36:00.000+08:00

looking back at the month of Sept, I believe tt God is teaching me to look to Him when I 1st smell trouble/problem, rather than react to it 1st, can’t handle well, emotionally drained then suddenly remembered tt I’ve forgotten to seek Daddy. I realized, many times, man tends to solve whatever problems on their own, react to things w/o thinking thru & praying thru, in the end getting themselves into bigger problems before asking Daddy for help. It’s like, if we had sought Him 1st, then tt would’ve saved us quite a bit of trouble & emotional tiredness

As I read the book of Jeremiah & Lamentations, there’s this recurring idea tt the pple din seek God & turn from their wicked ways, tt’s y the Lord continued as He had decreed to punish them severely with the attacks from Assyria & Babylon, & later the exile to Babylon. What a heavy bloodshed as a price for not turning back to God. In a similar manner, tho not as serious, we often stick to our views, our way of doing things w/o seeking God until sthg bad happens. & usually we wait till we suffered a bit b4 lamenting tt we’ve sinned. So typical of humans, the Israelites then & us now, after so many centuries, nothing has changed in human character. But we can always give thanks to God for His promise to Solomon in 2Chr 7:14, tt if we, who are called by His name, will humble ourselves and pray and seek God’s face and turn from our wicked ways, then He will hear from heaven and will forgive our sins and will heal our land.

Out of point, you may think… I was 1st talking abt looking to God when problems 1st arise, why on earth I go on to talk abt sin & seeking God & turn from our wicked ways? When problems arise, it may not be punishment from God bcos of our sin (read Jesus’ reply in John 9:3). But if we insist on solving our way, we r kinda depriving God of the glory due Him, or it may be not having the faith tt God is our help, & tt’s sin. God’s promise to Solomon means tt at anytime we realized tt, & humble ourselves, pray & seek Him, acknowledging tt we’ve sin & unable to solve the problems by our own strength, He’ll hear from Heaven & be our help in times of need. Therefore, dun be like the stubborn Israelites, insisting on their idolatry until they had been taken captive to Babylon, then the remnants prayed to God. Seek Him 1st in everything & He’ll be our help & strength in times of trouble. & even if we have to go thru all those tough times, we can be sure tt we can have the joy & strength in Him to go thru it all… :)

Blessed…exceedingly too…

2004-10-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

wat can be better than to realize tt my Daddy in heaven was by my side thru-out the whole of Sept, when I almost couldn’t carried on: 1st backstab@work ever, my aunt’s death, 1st sabotage@work. He even planned a trip to Malacca for me to relax after all these tt I went thru. (thanx Daddy…)

well, it wasn’t a fun trip, it was just a trip to relax & sightsee, to get my mind off all those events tt past. Even in difficult times, Daddy always plans beforehand to give a way out or a way of healing… for me, other than the trip, Daddy had long arranged a sweet little thing to be my comfort in times like these… Grace & I had just celebrated the ½ year mark in our relationship. It’s a blessing tt we can stay so long (or short, depending on how u look@it) in this relationship, a blessing to find a soul mate in each other, a blessing to have someone by my side when I needed support or just a listening ear, a blessing to be someone’s support or listening ear. It’s even a greater blessing to be able to worship Daddy together with her each week, to know tt it’s Daddy who has created & planned all these. (thanx again, Daddy, I love You…& u too, Grace)

what IN THE WORLD is going on?

2004-09-30T16:37:00.000+08:00

a further taste of the world i dun belong to last weekend.. my project was sabotaged, the person who promised to help ate his word, & it's my responsibility tt all these happened. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON? i really couldn't see the logic of all tt's happening. very upset i was, spoke to my prof i did. guess his reply...

it's normal, he said. you've encountered sthg tt you'll nvr find in the textbooks... yar i know... & i need your advice lor, not just an analysis of the world tt i've already tasted even b4 i step out to work. & it's totally not encouraging to someone who have nvr seen the evil side of the world yet. well, at least he had assured tt my grade wun b exactly affected by the report of the company, & there were some wisdom in his words as he told me certain things regarding the working world. wisdom? yes, i said some wisdom, not by his measure or mine, but by the Scriptures. nope, he is not a Christian, but it's through experience tt he accumulated those wisdom & shared with me. this can only show even more tt the truth in the bible are still being fulfilled even up to today. i was reading Proverbs (just reading thru cos there's too much wisdom in it tt i totally can't understand) & 2 verses were kinda describing wat he shared with me. "the first one to plead his case seems right, until his neighbour comes & examines him." (Prov 18:17) "a prudent man foresees evil & hides himself, but the simple pass on & are punished." (Prov 22:3)

he reminded me to seek wisdom in dealing with things in the working world, to learn to do the morally right things (& whatever good things) in a different manner so tt i dun offend the wicked & get myself "killed". yet there are many things tt he shared with me tt i felt was quite worldly & selfish, or shld i quote him "for self-preservation".

LORD, teach me Your ways, grant me wisdom, discernment & protection, so tt i can continue to shine for You in the workplace w/o having to compromise Your teachings for self-preservation. teach me to put my trust solely in You & no one else, for You alone are my strength & refuge & wisdom. FATHER, let me not be shaken by what i've seen in the world but may i be used by You to minister to my brothers & sisters in Christ using the experience tt You've given me. i give thanks for all these tt had happened (tho i dun enjoy any bit of it) in the name of JESUS my LORD, amen.

Dead or Alive

2004-09-20T13:00:00.000+08:00

just ended a funeral in my family: my youngest aunt's. she was 43 years & 19 days old when she was called home to be with the Lord. to my non-believing family members, she's gone, totally lost forever. to me & my Christian relatives, she has gone home to Daddy b4 us. is she dead? is she alive? was her spirit still ard for a moment b4 gg home for good, or did she go home immediately when she gave up her last breath?

it was quite a hard time grieving at the loss...sometimes, i found myself asking God, why did He have to take her home so soon? my cousin's getting married in Nov, at least wait till then mah... Daddy simply gave me an answer: she had enough, she had enough. that was enough for me. my aunt was bedridden since she was abt 13 years old. given her frail body, she shld've gone home long ago, but God has been gracious enough to sustain her till now, wat more can we ask for? besides, she really has suffered enough on tt bed for 30 years, practically immobile. Now tt she has gone home to Daddy, she 's totally free, no more pain, no more tears, no more suffering but eternal joy in the presence of God, why r we still sad tt we had "lost" her? i guess, having her lie at the same place for so many years, we r so used to seeing her there, now tt her place is empty...

i believe when God took her home, He has in His mind His own glory, where in His glory, people can find comfort & joy, even at a loss of a loved one. at her wake & funeral services, that was the 1st time ever tt the gospel of God is preached in the family. prior to that, there was no such chance tt the gospel can be preached to the family as a whole. Non-believing relatives began to ask qns, backsliden Christians began to seek God, & Christians grew stronger in unity & in prayer. broken relationships were restored. all these is for the glory of the Lord & i pray tt this will continue to carry on...

Satan was active in our midst in the last few days in our grief. there were quarrels & fights, but God's presence was with us & it only binds Christians to be closer in prayer, learning to trust Him even more.

personally for me, these few days were the times when i prayed & interceded the most for my family & took lead in bringing the younger ones in prayer. thru my aunt's death, the world no longer seems tt real to me while the hope of the glory of God became even more a reality... she is dead in flesh, yet i know she is alive in the presence of God, right at this moment. we miss you, aunt, but i know we will see you again when it's time for us to go home to God...

Stabbed

2004-09-20T10:00:00.000+08:00

not literal, but at work... gosh... 1st "injury" even b4 i really step into the working world. when your colleagues think tt u r a threat to them, they'll try all they can to stab u in the back, esp if they have some backing.

u see, i din do anything to harm anyone, but my presence there at the factory is threatening to those who dun have substance in their work & v conveniently cheat in readings to achieve the results tt the customers require. being a student, i m inquisitive towards how things r run at the factory, so obviously i would b talking to pple & asking qns. my assailant went to tell his good pal, my supervisor, tt i din do any work, & always talking... of cos i m always talking cos my sup din even give me any job scope, so i had to talk to pple to find out stuff & to find for myself my project for IA. also, he wasn't happy tt i was resistant to his "commands"... c'mon, he's only a chemist, not my sup, yet when he needs me to help him, he treats me like a general worker & orders me to do a general worker's job. of cos i dun need to heed his orders, tt's y he backstabbed me. i meant, c'mon, if u r not my sup, & u want me help, u dun order me ard but u would ask/request for my help, i'll b more than happy to help if i can. but not if i was ordered ard.

i think my sup knows it, cos after he "lectured" me, he told me to help as a chemist. well, since he tells me to be kinda asst chemist, den of cos i'll b glad to help.

just wanna share this w u guys, cos i hope to prepare u guys for work. the world out there only see power & money. nothing else. no ethics, no morals, no standards, just do anything to climb up the ladder or to survive. for me as Christians, i was ashamed to say i was reminded of the Lord by a Buddhist. i was still sored from the backstabbing when this old Buddhist man mentioned tt there is Someone above watching. immediately, i remembered the Lord. He was betrayed, crucified sinless, humiliated & suffered. if He could endure all tt for the glory of God the Father, why can't i endure the backstabbing in Christ for the glory of God?

i guess after saying all these, our source of strength to lead a Christ-like life in the working world has to be Christ alone. we have to keep our walk with God even closer when we begin to work, & have our eyes fixed only on Him, so tt the temptation of money & power, & the disruptions from office politics will not take toll in our lives.

do continue to pray for me as i look forward to ending my IA in 3 mths time... :)

SuPa LoNG WeeKeND... sniff sniff cough

2004-08-18T04:07:00.000+08:00

S-U-P-A long weekend this week from 14th Aug to 18th Aug... good, right? like real ah... not when 2 days of the "long weekend" r MC for my week-long flu... sigh... last Tues was down with flu, saw doc on Wed & got MC for tt day... but din recover cos the next day rushed back to work etc.. took leave for Sat & Mon cos my bday was on Sun, so decided to spend the weekend with Grace, family & CG pple... din expect tt cos of this, i din have enough rest & the flu din go away... when i woke up for work this morning, i still felt drowsy, nose stuffy & still coughing badly, i decided tt i really need to re-visit the doc.... true enough, the new diagnosis was tt i had an viral infection, tt's y 1 week already still not healed... & so he extended my already long weekend to 5 days altogether...

by far, the Lord has been extremely gracious to me while i m in JB.. almost every week, i just happen to be able to return to S'pore during mid week or have a supa long weekend back here at home, be it for work or in sickness.. so it's like my days working in JB is not tt unbearably long.

kinda tired now... myb just doze a bit b4 going to SP for my sister's grad ceremony.. will continue to update the blog these 2 days, cos i still have MC for tmr.. :)

thank YOU for saving me, what can i say...

2004-08-02T09:03:00.000+08:00

1 month in JB already.. gosh!! how time flies.. very thankful tt thru-out this 1 mth, there r pple ard to kinda take care of me (e.g. my roommate who works as an engineer there), yet there r pple whose sole purpose there is to teach me patience... i was telling Grace tt day tt at the end of the Industrial Attachment, i'll be a Doctor, cos i'll have a lot of patients (patience) by then... :p

well, like wat i said in the previous entry, it is possibly a time of resting in the Lord, the time of Sabbath.. but upon reflection, i suppose it's a time to learn to rest in the Lord.. why do i say tt?

i guess i m sure of my salvation, my r/ship with God. but there r many times, just like wat Ps David said in today's sermon, i know the word but i din keep the way. i love God & i trust Him, but i still have unbeliefs like will my parents be saved, & dun have the faith to believe tt God will work tho my head is telling me : yes, God'll work in my life.

also, there r times tt i wanted to serve Him, do things for Him, eventually missing the whole point of worshipping God in what i do, sometimes even to the extend of feeling tired.. even when i think my ministry for this 1/2 year in JB is really prayer ministry for the pple there, i began to pray merely out of routine & much less of compassion. i guess i need a personal revival during this time of Sabbath..

after a mth of "overseas", i began to appreciate fellowship among brothers & sisters in Christ (BnSiC), & to serve along side them, worshipping our Father with like-minded BnSiC is indeed a privilege. there is no one there to discuss things of God with me, keeping me accountable, walking with me. & by God's grace, i was able to join the choir for practice yesterday & duty today.. W-O-W!!! the feeling was wonderful!!! the joy of worshipping the Lord in a community is indeed beyond words..
Thank You Daddy for giving me this chance to worship You, to sing praises unto You with my brothers & sisters. Thank You for Your word that reminds me to be vigilant in my walk with You. More importantly, thank You for saving me through the shedding of the blood of Your only Son, so that my worship unto You can be made pleasing in Your sight... I love You, Daddy...

Hi from JB

2004-07-28T11:11:00.000+08:00

hehz... it's a long time since i last updated the blog... nothing interesting, very boring here... but good time of reflection, rest & Sabbath from my Father.. :) but there is also trials & temptations over. do keep me in pray... i'll try to update the blog when i get back to s'pore this weekend..

testing

2004-07-17T23:35:00.000+08:00

testing, if can, i'll try to tranfer my blog over...